if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
