Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
