Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Congratulations! We have a period
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