I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Someone came in the potted fern
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
