i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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