your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
