Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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