She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The best revenge is premature balding
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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