im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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