Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
