toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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