guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
