D3 body, D1 cock
You're my little dorito
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
