dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
