Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
