I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
