i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
