Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
