i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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