i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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