Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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