I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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