I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
