Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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