do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
