I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
