I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
