i need an iv and a liver transplant
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
