if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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