My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
