The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
