I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
