Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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