i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
