he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
