last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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