Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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