Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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