i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
