Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
