Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize