I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
