when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
