Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
