I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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