I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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