They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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