I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
