I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
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I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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