Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think my fart just growled at me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
