apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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