just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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